When I was young, I often asked myself “why am I who I am?”. Yea, I know, it’s a lil’ freakish but it’s true. Well, I guess I didn’t quite have a normal life like everyone else. I remember there were nights where I just stared at the stars and soon my vision blurred, as hot tears welled up in my eyes. I’ve always wished that I wasn’t born, constantly feeling rejected. At times, suicide seemed like an option.

I knew what forgiveness was, but it was just so hard to let all my memories go. Hurt turned into bitterness, and it became rooted in me. As years went by, I thought I had finally put my past behind, you know, wanting to start anew. Then the day of ‘truth’ came and I had to deal with all my hurts. Below is something that I had written on that very day where everything seemed so hopeless.

“Sometimes i wish that there is a 'delete' button in our brains, that we could just push it and viola, those memories would be gone, yup, just like that, gone..... vanish...... like nothing had ever happened before.

Sometimes I think people are better off not remembering some of their past, those unpleasant thoughts, those things that haunt you, like leeches sucking the blood out of you. It comes creeping in the night, sneaking its way up to you, from your mind it spreads to your soul, little by little you feel the warmth in you fading away, things start to look bleak......

It tears you up slowly, inch by inch, inflicting maximum pain and torture, then without much of a warning, it rips you apart, you could feel the burn, like your heart is no longer yours, no longer intact. When the days pass, you start to grow immune to the pain, you start to not feel, then the wounds turn into scars, marks of torture that naked eyes can't see......

Life goes on, you move on, or so you tell yourself. Everyday life is a routine, you do things like many, you even have dreams and goals, you succeed in life. But one day, one gloomy day, it all comes crushing back. Something happened and it sends nerve impulses way through your brain and spine. You would feel adrenaline pump in you, blood rushes to your head, your heart aches so badly till you wonder if it had stopped for good. You are no longer here, you're flooded with your past, with memories you thought you had pushed away, with the painful events that marked you past.

Sometimes it's so much easier to just forget, as what people like to say, "Move on", the two words that hurt most in times of ...... bleakness ( for the lack of a better word ). Sometimes, ‘deleting' those unwanted memories would be best for most people.”

How many of you had gone through what I have written above? It might not be exactly the same thing and feelings but the underlying facts are there, hatred, bitterness, hurt and unforgiveness. I can’t say that I am perfect now and I definitely do not believe in ‘forgive and forget’. Memories are memories, we can’t make them go away, but we can use them for the better.

I thank God for what I’ve been through, for it has made me rely on Him more. My experiences have made me realise that God is real. My past gave God an opportunity to work wonders and miracles, to let me know that He is my Abba Father and that I am His princess.

Our past has helped shape our characters today. It is a journal that would never be deleted. And guess what is most amazing about our past? It is all part of God’s great plan for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us.

So, I would like to challenge you today to take a step of faith, to face your past and deal with it. Until we have made peace with ourselves, God can never use us. It won’t be an easy thing but with God’s grace and mercy, I believe we can do it.

If God is calling you today to serve Him, hesitate no more! Do not let your past define you. Do not tell yourself that you are not worth it or that you are good for nothing. For it doesn’t matter who we are because what matters most is who God is.