Everybody has a past. Some wish they could relive theirs, while others wish they never had to go through theirs. I, for one, had the latter. I have a past that hurts me up to today. When I think back, I remember pain, disappointment, sadness, helplessness, loneliness and the lot. But of course, every cloud has a silver lining. Believe it or not, out of the deepest point in my life came its greatest joy.
I was always a happy girl who never felt I lacked anything. In fact, I felt very blessed with awesome friends and family. But about 5 years ago, a random comment hit me. A comment I would never ever forget.
My boyfriend back then had a friend who casually asked him, “Why are you dating her when you can get someone who’s so much hotter?” He told me that and all of a sudden, it’s as if my eyes were opened to the ugliness I exhibited. I started to see how unattractive I was, and how attractive the girls around me were. And I wanted to be like them. I was determined to do whatever it took to be better looking.
I started putting on make-up. And dieting became a new concept in my life. But because I was such a food lover, dieting was difficult. I was surrounded by such good food everyday, and my family went out for big dinners regularly. I soon figured dieting wasn’t going to work, so I turned to other alternatives. I then bought heaps of slimming pills and started inducing myself to throw up after each meal. Before I knew it, I was trapped in a vicious cycle.
At first it felt good to see the pounds go off so quickly. In two months, I lost 8 kilos. People started complimenting me, I could fit into more clothes, look better and yet still enjoy all my favourite food. I was more confident again and I socialized more. However, I still wasn’t satisfied. I wanted to lose more weight despite knowing I was hurting my body. My stomach would occasionally hurt at night but I chose to grin and bear it. The pills were recalled due to some reports on them causing liver failure so imagine what those did to my liver. I was simply a mess.
There were days where I’d lie in bed crying, thinking about how awful I looked (despite having lost all that weight) or how trapped and helpless I was. I’d try to stop making myself throw up for a few days but the moment I gained the slightest bit of weight, I’d succumb to it again. It was a constant battle in my head; having to force myself not to think about vomiting every time I ate something and hiding this urge to throw up what I just had whenever I ate with others.
I became depressed whenever I reflected on what I had gotten myself into. I wanted so much to break away from this vicious cycle, but I simply couldn’t deal with the consequences of gaining weight. I believed I already looked awful, and I couldn’t bear to look any worse. I knew I needed help. So after plucking up much courage, I told my parents. They were so hurt that they cried, yet helpless for they couldn’t do much. They hooked me up with a psychiatrist who finally diagnosed me with depression and prescribed me with Prozac. Perhaps things started to pick up a little, I’m not quite sure. But gradually, I decided to stop going to the psychiatrist and taking my pills. I had enough of “vomiting doesn’t help you lose weight” and “vomiting hurts you”. Whenever someone told me I looked nice, I was convinced he/she was just trying to make me feel better. I began to look haggard; my eyes said it all. Needless to say, I made no improvement at all.
Who is this author? What happens next? Find out in the second part of this amazing personal journey.
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If you can recall, Ray interviewed some people about our Zion Building Fund and their reasons for giving and this is the line that stuck;
Written by
Johnson Tan
Have a question or suggestion? Email us at uwalive@gmail.com!
Because God deserves a better house.
I’m sure we all know by now that the church is the house of God and that it is so much more than just brick and mortar. We also know that the church is made up of people, and it is in turn, the people who make up the church. However, let me submit to you that the church is not just a building to house people. Neither is it simply a place where we store our equipment or gather to praise and worship God.
A church building is more than that.
It is a place where we can reach out to people. With a church building to call our own, it can become a meeting place where we can organize meetings and invite people to come, to learn more about God, His love for us, and why we do what we do.
With a building, we have a common place to call home. A place that is available for us to use when we require it for rehearsals and practices for different ministries etc. But, the church is more than a building. What we are pledging money for may be a building and its renovations, but who knows what stories will come out of this building. The church building would be a part of our memories, a common ground from which to tell our story in our walk with Christ.
Search For A Star last year was at PCLC. Yes, PCLC is a very big place, but what struck me the most was their calendar of events. I had a look at it, and thought of all the endless possibilities we will have when we have our own building.
One day, this building will be used to house events, as a point of outreach, a common place where we can gather for rehearsals and meetings. When that day comes, we will no longer have to worry about looking for places to gather and rehearse or the venue for meetings anymore!
To sum up, it is said that once we are in heaven, we will not have use of any of our physical possessions and that what we do now directly correlates to our treasures in heaven. So what’s stopping us from contributing more to the kingdom of God? If you think what you are giving is an embarrassment, remember that God accepts your contributions just as they are, from the heart. No amount is too small to make a difference. Never think what you are giving is too little.
Every bit counts!
Every bit counts!
1 Chronicles 29:15-17 (New International Version)
"We are aliens and strangers in your sight, as were all our forefathers. Our days on earth are like a shadow, without hope. O LORD our God, as for all this abundance that we have provided for building you a temple for your Holy Name, it comes from your hand, and all of it belongs to you. I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity. All these things have I given willingly and with honest intent. And now I have seen with joy how willingly your people who are here have given to you."
Written by
Johnson Tan
Have a question or suggestion? Email us at uwalive@gmail.com!
