Everybody has a past. Some wish they could relive theirs, while others wish they never had to go through theirs. I, for one, had the latter. I have a past that hurts me up to today. When I think back, I remember pain, disappointment, sadness, helplessness, loneliness and the lot. But of course, every cloud has a silver lining. Believe it or not, out of the deepest point in my life came its greatest joy.
I was always a happy girl who never felt I lacked anything. In fact, I felt very blessed with awesome friends and family. But about 5 years ago, a random comment hit me. A comment I would never ever forget.
My boyfriend back then had a friend who casually asked him, “Why are you dating her when you can get someone who’s so much hotter?” He told me that and all of a sudden, it’s as if my eyes were opened to the ugliness I exhibited. I started to see how unattractive I was, and how attractive the girls around me were. And I wanted to be like them. I was determined to do whatever it took to be better looking.
I started putting on make-up. And dieting became a new concept in my life. But because I was such a food lover, dieting was difficult. I was surrounded by such good food everyday, and my family went out for big dinners regularly. I soon figured dieting wasn’t going to work, so I turned to other alternatives. I then bought heaps of slimming pills and started inducing myself to throw up after each meal. Before I knew it, I was trapped in a vicious cycle.
At first it felt good to see the pounds go off so quickly. In two months, I lost 8 kilos. People started complimenting me, I could fit into more clothes, look better and yet still enjoy all my favourite food. I was more confident again and I socialized more. However, I still wasn’t satisfied. I wanted to lose more weight despite knowing I was hurting my body. My stomach would occasionally hurt at night but I chose to grin and bear it. The pills were recalled due to some reports on them causing liver failure so imagine what those did to my liver. I was simply a mess.
There were days where I’d lie in bed crying, thinking about how awful I looked (despite having lost all that weight) or how trapped and helpless I was. I’d try to stop making myself throw up for a few days but the moment I gained the slightest bit of weight, I’d succumb to it again. It was a constant battle in my head; having to force myself not to think about vomiting every time I ate something and hiding this urge to throw up what I just had whenever I ate with others.
I became depressed whenever I reflected on what I had gotten myself into. I wanted so much to break away from this vicious cycle, but I simply couldn’t deal with the consequences of gaining weight. I believed I already looked awful, and I couldn’t bear to look any worse. I knew I needed help. So after plucking up much courage, I told my parents. They were so hurt that they cried, yet helpless for they couldn’t do much. They hooked me up with a psychiatrist who finally diagnosed me with depression and prescribed me with Prozac. Perhaps things started to pick up a little, I’m not quite sure. But gradually, I decided to stop going to the psychiatrist and taking my pills. I had enough of “vomiting doesn’t help you lose weight” and “vomiting hurts you”. Whenever someone told me I looked nice, I was convinced he/she was just trying to make me feel better. I began to look haggard; my eyes said it all. Needless to say, I made no improvement at all.
Who is this author? What happens next? Find out in the second part of this amazing personal journey.
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I don't think it would be appropriate to react by saying 'awesome', 'LOL' or 'Totally Agree!' but I'm really looking forward to the next post!!! Thanks for sharing :)